Bachelor Diary for The Bachelor 4

Bob's Bachelor Diary - Episode 1 
Air Date: 09/24/2003 

Everything about tonight was different than I expected. It was really draining. The time it took to establish which women were there for the right reasons and which ones I thought I didn't have as good of a connection with as others was a lot more of a challenge than I thought it would be. I really thought it would be very easy to come in on the first night and narrow the field down significantly, but it took some time. I'm glad that everyone accepted their rose and was very excited about it. 

There were several ladies tonight that honestly, as I was saying goodbye to them, I wondered why I was saying goodbye. It's very hard. Shea is a great example. I was sitting there thinking, I can't believe I'm not going to be hanging out with this girl. And there were several. It's difficult; I feel awful. They said very nice things as they left and that was actually kind of cool and very refreshing. 

It is a little bit overwhelming that there are 15 women out there that are as excited to meet me as I am to get to know them. And I think that I wasn't prepared for that. I think it's one thing to walk around and have people notice you from a TV show. It's another thing to have people give up this kind of time to be a part of this whole thing. They're here for one reason only, and that reason is to hopefully find some type of connection that they haven't been able to find in any other venue or any other atmosphere they've been in. That's pretty overwhelming. 

After tonight I am certainly more excited about the prospect of the next two months and what it can bring. I certainly didn't expect 25 women of that caliber to be here. Every single one of those women kind of hit it on the head in one way or another, and so it was something I didn't expect. I guess Kelly Jo and I set a new precedent tonight when we kissed. She's very attractive and she's got a tremendous amount of enthusiasm and energy. I didn't initiate kissing her but we certainly did have an opportunity to kiss one another and it was quite nice. 

The reaction of the ladies tonight was definitely something that inspired a little more hope in me than what I anticipated. Coming into this whole thing, I was skeptical. I believed in the process because I've seen it happen with Trista and Ryan. But at the same time, you never think it can happen to you. It is a lot more work being Trista than it was being Bob on The Bachelorette. I think there's a lot more responsibilities in what I'm doing now. Tonight I was a workhorse. You know, trying to make the rounds. And I hope no one feels slighted by the time that I spent. I'm very excited about the 15 ladies that remain, a few of them in particular. I hope that they understand, too, that things are going to loosen up a little bit and we're going to have some fun. 

Bob's Bachelor Diary - Episode 2 
Air Date: 10/01/2003 

This was a hard week for me. First we had the mini-rose ceremony and I had to say goodbye to Lindsay D. Then, I let go of Lindsay K., Lanah, Kristi and Jenn. It was definitely more challenging than the previous rose ceremony. And that says a lot because the first one was actually hard for me as well. I know a couple of the ladies that I didn't extend roses to actually really were here just for me. They wanted to get to know me better and they hadn't had the opportunity to do that up until this point the way they had wanted to.

Of the remaining women, I think Kristi was the least invested in the process. But I was still sad not to extend her a rose because I thought she was a lot of fun. It was even harder to say goodbye to the other three. Lanah is such a kind woman and I think she was upset and definitely a little teary-eyed over leaving. She said she was sorry that she didn't make more of the moment that we had the other night. We just didn't make that same kind of connection that I was hoping to make with whoever I extended a rose to. Jenn said she'd felt uncomfortable this whole time and didn't feel like she was being herself. Unfortunately, in this whole circumstance you've really got be yourself. Of the women I gave roses to, I think LeeAnn was kind of shocked to be the last person to receive one. Brooke, Estella and Mary all seemed genuinely pleased. I think Karin was definitely thinking, "Well what took you so long to call my name?" She grabbed the rose and I thought that was really cute. The difficult part for me in moving forward is that I'll spend the better part of tonight tossing and turning about the women I didn't extend roses to. I don't want to fool myself into thinking that they're all sitting there disappointed, but I definitely hope I made the right call, and I hope I didn't hurt their feelings. Tonight I was also given enough sincere information and some sincere feedback from the women that I was curious about whether they are here for the right reasons. I found out tonight that they are.

I'm in a great situation. I have 10 amazing women who are absolutely remarkably stunning and remarkably intelligent, and they have these personalities that are just overwhelming. I think each of them in their own right is just unbelievable. It's pretty humbling, but at the same time it's a little bit daunting because I realize now that I have a lot of things to figure out and I hope that it is easier than I'm expecting it to be.

I'm left with 10 women who I think would make an amazing wives. Now I need to figure out if one of them could potentially be an amazing wife for me. 

Bob's Bachelor Diary - Episode 3 
Air Date: 10/08/2003 

The ladies voted today to decide who they felt I was most compatible with and they chose Meredith. I was a bit surprised by their choice. I definitely thought Meredith and I had a lot of chemistry, but there were a few girls that I definitely felt the same way about. However, they obviously know each other a little bit better at this point than I know them, and their choice intrigued me. Our one-on-one date would give me the chance to find out if they were right. 

When I pulled up at the ladies' house and went to the door, I noticed there was a different vibe in the house than normal. Once Meredith and I got in the car, she told me that her grandmother passed away today. I think the fact that she took the time to tell me, and that she was still here despite all that happened to her today was shocking. 

Apparently Meredith's family was insistent on her staying. She told me that she thought I was the right person to spend the day with after receiving the bad news. That was very touching and it reminded me of how remarkable she is. 

You always hear the saying that amazing people do amazing things at the most un-amazing times. Meredith came into the date after suffering this loss and still went through with everything. She rode horses even though she is afraid of horses, and she sat down to a dish of oysters when she doesn't like them. Yet she was still excited about the entire evening, and for that, she is amazing. 

I'm an old man as far as The Bachelor game goes. I'm 32 years old, and it's definitely interesting when you kiss someone and they make you feel like it is the first time. That is how it feels with Meredith. This is my first one-on-one date, and the bar has definitely been set pretty high. I think Meredith should be very confident moving forward that she will receive a rose. 

I'm very excited that we're finally getting to the point where I get to have some one-on-one time with the ladies. Up until this point, being in a group setting and breaking away for a few minutes has really left a lot to be desired on both sides. I certainly don't expect the process to get any easier, but the fun is just beginning. I would be lucky to call any of these women my wife, and I certainly think that may be possible by the end of this. 

Bob's Bachelor Diary - Episode 4 
Air Date: 10/15/2003 

Tonight was an emotional disaster for me. I certainly did not expect the night to be as dramatic as it was. These women wore their hearts on their sleeves. I don't like to hurt anyone's feelings, and I didn't realize that the ladies would be so upset. 

By the end of the night, Misty seemed particularly heartbroken, and I don't know if that was over me or if it was over leaving her friends. It took a lot for her to come over and give me a hug goodbye. I appreciated it because I know how it feels to leave. But we never seemed to connect, we always ended our conversations saying, next time hopefully we'll get a chance to discuss more serious topics. When we did have the chance, we didn't make the most of it. I hope she knows that I think she's a beautiful, wonderful woman.

Antoinette and I definitely were attracted to one another, and she is someone that I would love to hang out with because she is so cool and very understanding. I had a great time with her, and I'm better for knowing her.

I think Jenny is a very sweet woman, but I certainly had more of a friendship connection with her than a romantic one. When she was leaving, she said, "I'd like to be your Trista. You and her are still really good friends, I'd like to be your friend." I thought that was very mature of her and it was a really nice sentiment for her to leave with. 

Karin is obviously very attractive and intelligent. We had moments where I thought we really connected well. But overall, we had a difficult time figuring out what to talk about. 

There are six amazing women left. Each of them is very unique and different from one another. All of them have attributes that I would love to have in a future partner. I feel connections with each of them, and I feel unbelievably challenged every time I think about what I'm going to do next. 

I spent the majority of tonight looking around the room and wondering, what am I doing here? This is way more than I ever bargained for. The character of these women is remarkable, and I certainly feel like I could still have friendships with a few of the ladies that left tonight. 

I was not prepared for these women. I've realized there is more than one woman here that could make me very happy for the rest of my life, and I realized the stakes. I'm an emotional guy, and I'm not going to apologize for it. When someone is willing to open up their lives to me, I'm affected by it. It is incredibly hard because I literally like all of the women. 

Bob's Bachelor Diary - Episode 5 
Air Date: 10/22/2003 

Tonight's Rose Ceremony was incredibly emotional. I was both pleased and surprised by all of the ladies' reactions. When I offered Mary a rose and she accepted, she certainly let me know that she is very serious about me and that she is in this for the long run. She doesn't take this lightly, and for that matter, neither do I. Kelly Jo's reaction tonight was overwhelming. Even when I said her name, I sensed her excitement. I'm really looking forward to getting into the whole meat and potatoes of who Kelly Jo is. I can't wait to meet the people that have brought her into the world. 

Estella took her time coming up tonight. When I offered her the rose she stood there, and we hugged and kissed. I started thinking, "Oh my God, I still have another rose to give out." I think that moment probably went on a little bit longer than it should have. 

I made a distinct effort on my final rose to make eye contact with the three ladies that I was deliberating between. I wanted to let them know that I appreciate them for being here. Under normal circumstances, I know none of these women would have to wait on flowers from any man. Lee-Ann seemed strangely relieved not to get a rose tonight. She certainly didn't seem too upset. Maybe she was a little bit less involved at this point than she previously was. 

Brooke is truly one of the sweetest women I have ever met. When she came up, she told me that she wanted to be my friend. I would be lucky to have someone like Brooke as my friend. I think several of the women tonight who received roses almost felt guilty that I hadn't gotten to know Brooke better. Everyone loved her. But I felt a different connection with her than I did with the four women I extended roses to. 

I am so excited right now. Although I loved seeing how the ladies interacted in the group dates, I am so glad I get them alone now. Maybe they can also get an idea of how focused I've been throughout this whole thing. I haven't had a group of people to hang out with or bounce my thoughts off of. I've been suffering through this pretty much alone. Now I get to meet their families, their friends, and be a part of their lives. I certainly will see them in a more natural setting, which I think is extremely important. 

My friends who visited the women at the house said that a couple of them expressed that they were falling in love with me. I don't know if they are or not, but I certainly hope they're feeling something, because I know I am. I definitely have some pretty strong feelings for a few of these women, but I'm still trying to work out exactly what those feelings are. But I love meeting people's families, and I'm not nervous at all about what comes next. I think I'm going to have a riot. I am so excited about the prospects of the four women I extended roses to this evening. It's exhilarating. 

Bob's Bachelor Diary - Episode 6 
Air Date: 10/29/2003 

Tonight was definitely somber. Saying goodbye to Meredith was a lot more difficult than I anticipated. It might be because this was the first step that I hadn't experienced before. In The Bachelorette, Trista didn't meet my family. There's a different type of investment when you get to that point. Being part of Meredith's life and meeting her family is something I will carry with me forever. And coming into the rose ceremony, all I could think about was how sad I was to say goodbye to one of these ladies. I've shared a lot with Meredith that I haven't shared with most people. I was with her while she was grieving for her grandmother and we dealt with it together. Saying goodbye to her was excruciating. We sat there and I wondered if I made the right decision. It's difficult because I like all four of these women for different reasons, and I care about each of them individually. It was hard to realize that the relationship between Meredith and I was ending. I would love to have a friendship with her, and I certainly hope that is possible. 

When I walked Meredith out tonight, I realized once again that she is the true epitome of class. She was graceful and so wonderful; it was nothing less than I expected from her. That's just Meredy. She was supportive of the other women here, and it was amazing. I know this will be the last time I will see her for some time, and it is extremely tough to know that I won't be a part of whatever Meredith has coming up next in her life. Even as celebratory as tonight could have been, it wasn't. We were all sad to see Meredith leave. All of these women love her, and so do I. She is truly as good as it gets. And as excited as the other three ladies are about continuing, there certainly was sadness that Meredith was gone. 

However, as hard as everything was tonight, I think I am ultimately excited about what happens next. These women are all extremely compatible with me. I now have the opportunity to get to know them even better and that really does excite me. As I came back inside the house and saw the smiles of the ladies, I was fired up about the next step. I get to go to some great places with these women and share moments that we'll probably never have again. So all I can do is look forward and hope saying goodbye in the future won't be as hard as it was tonight. 

Bob's Bachelor Diary - Episode 7 
Air Date: 11/05/2003 

Tonight was a disaster. I basically broke up with someone who has done nothing wrong except express her love for me, and under normal circumstances, there is no reason why I would not want to see Mary anymore. She was so hurt when she didn't get a rose tonight, and that was very difficult for me. I wasn't thinking about what to say as I walked Mary out. Strangely, I just hoped that she would want to sit with me for a second. I felt she deserved an explanation as to why I did not extend her a rose. Mary's timeline was possibly something I couldn't fulfill. It isn't fair for me to continue dating her after she gave me her window of one to five years to have a family. I don't even know where I'm going to be in six months. I know she'd be willing to put things on hold for me, but I don't think I could live with myself if I took away what she wants now. As sad as I am, and as disappointed as I am that I'm not going to see Mary anymore, I feel like I did the right things for the right reasons tonight. I'm not confident that I want to be on the same path as Mary wanted, and I think it would have been unfair and dishonest of me to perpetuate things. 

Mary told me tonight that if either of these two women loved me half as much as she did, that I was a very lucky man. I can't even express how that makes me feel. I'm confident that I made the right decisions tonight, not only for myself, but also for Mary. I wish her more happiness than I feel I could have given her, and I'm sure that with a little time, the sting of tonight will wear off. I'm very excited that Estella and Kelly Jo now get to meet my family. I'm hoping by bringing these ladies home, I'll be given some clarity. Maybe my family will see my interaction with these ladies, and find something that I'm missing, or perhaps see something that I haven't realized is so evident. 

I'm definitely going into this whole thing more confused than I was the first day I got here. With these two women, I could certainly see my family being faced with the exact same dilemma that I am. In the beginning of everything, I told all 25 women that I was promising nothing, and I was hopeful for everything. Now I'm down to two women, and I still have made no empty promises. I'm still hopeful for some clarity. I'm still hopeful to find some direction. I'm still hopeful to figure things out.